Technologically Challenged

Well, Santa was very generous to me this year. The Griswold Santa (aka Steve) got me a brand spankin' new desktop. And the Ellington Santa (aka Mom and Dad) got me a new camera! I can't wait to use them both to their fullest.

But in the meantime, I'm sitting here cursing Windows Vista and the changes... and this new keyboard that has keys I've never seen before! I've managed to spend about half an hour with the camera - and although I know it'll be easy to use, there's still a lot to learn. So pardon me if there's a lapse in posting... once I get it all figured out, I'll be blogging and photoshopping like nobody's business!

Soy to the world...

I never thought I'd be celebrating the wonders of soy milk... yet here I am, with a fridge full of Silk soy milk (plain and vanilla flavored) - and a sweet little 20 month old who is finally off formula! We got a call from the pediatrician last week that Justin's allergy tests came back as mildly allergic to milk - which is pretty much what I expected. Seeing as our prescription for Nutramigen ran out, and the pediatrician didn't see the need for more formula, I started the change to soy milk. It was a bit rocky at first - I think Justin just wasn't ready for a different flavor in his bottle. But eventually he figured out that if he wanted his "ni-ni" bottle at bedtime, he best take what he gets. As of Tuesday night, he has been 100% on soy milk - and seems to be doing great! He can still have small amounts of dairy products - so a little dish of yogurt or a grilled cheese now and then isn't going to be a problem. When he turns 2 we'll repeat the allergy testing - the pediatrician thinks we should be able to re-introduce milk at that point. Since Justin wants to eat everything and anything that he can find, adding some more options to his diet will be great!

I wanted to take a break from the regularly scheduled programming to be a bit more serious for a moment. I usually try to keep things light-hearted and positive here, but things aren't always what they seem.

For the past few months, I've been fighting a losing battle with depression. I'm not talking the "gee...things are kinda rough right now but it'll get better" depression. I mean the type that makes you feel hopeless, empty. The type where nothing helps you feel better. The type that no one else but you seems to understand. I cannot push forward and hope it goes away - because it's not that easy. I cannot find the root cause for the depression - because it's not that easy. And I cannot hide it anymore - because it's not that easy.

I found myself in a dark place a few weeks ago - darker than I'd ever imagined. Empty and cold and hopeless and numb. I guess that was about as close to hitting "rock bottom" as I'd ever want to get - and since that time, I've tried my damnedest to get better. I've made changes in my life - not just in the daily stuff, but also in my mindset. The struggles I'd been having with Jakers and his behavior have gotten less. I try to end each day reminding myself of the gifts I have. Yet I'm still in a funk. I've got 2 beautiful little boys. I have a husband who works his tail off. I have a warm house, a good car, plenty of food in my cabinets - even 2insane cats to snuggle at the foot of my bed. But this devil called "depression" has made it's way into my head - and seems quite comfortable there.

I guess my point in writing this is to reach out to ya'll - without actually having to come out and say it. I'm not asking for help - I'm asking for understanding. If I've been abesnt in my friendship and communication, it's not because of anything other than myself. No one wants to admit they have any sort of "mental illness" - especially me. So it's been easier for me to just back away into the corner and hide than have to put up a false front, never mind share my mind with others. I hope one day soon to be able to see the sunshine in every day - all the time.

Watch out, Martha!

I just finished a marathon Christmas present making session. I'm so bummed I can't share any pics with ya'll - because the lucky recipients haven't gotten their gifts yet! But there's something so exciting about making your own presents - I guess I never really realized the power of something handmade until I had Jakers and Justin. Justin loves to leave me art on his dinner tray - and just yesterday, Jake came home with a letter he wrote me! In essence, it was nothing but scribbles - but he told me it said "Mommy, you take me to McDonald's for a Happy Meal. I like that." Works for me!

I had started to really dread the holidays - like everyone (it seems), money is pretty tight this year. I had begun to feel so Grinchy. But tonight - after finishing the first phase of "Operation Chocolate Covered Cherry" about 175 times - and after starting some mosaic coasters - and after finishing a set of wine glass charms - I'm starting to see a wee bit of jolly in my days.

I've still got peanut butter cups to make - maybe some lollypops for the kiddies. And some more wine glass charms... and some ornaments... but if I plug away a little each night I should be all set. And the coupons for Michael's and AC Moore and JoAnn that mom keeps sending me don't hurt, either!