I wanted to take a break from the regularly scheduled programming to be a bit more serious for a moment. I usually try to keep things light-hearted and positive here, but things aren't always what they seem.

For the past few months, I've been fighting a losing battle with depression. I'm not talking the "gee...things are kinda rough right now but it'll get better" depression. I mean the type that makes you feel hopeless, empty. The type where nothing helps you feel better. The type that no one else but you seems to understand. I cannot push forward and hope it goes away - because it's not that easy. I cannot find the root cause for the depression - because it's not that easy. And I cannot hide it anymore - because it's not that easy.

I found myself in a dark place a few weeks ago - darker than I'd ever imagined. Empty and cold and hopeless and numb. I guess that was about as close to hitting "rock bottom" as I'd ever want to get - and since that time, I've tried my damnedest to get better. I've made changes in my life - not just in the daily stuff, but also in my mindset. The struggles I'd been having with Jakers and his behavior have gotten less. I try to end each day reminding myself of the gifts I have. Yet I'm still in a funk. I've got 2 beautiful little boys. I have a husband who works his tail off. I have a warm house, a good car, plenty of food in my cabinets - even 2insane cats to snuggle at the foot of my bed. But this devil called "depression" has made it's way into my head - and seems quite comfortable there.

I guess my point in writing this is to reach out to ya'll - without actually having to come out and say it. I'm not asking for help - I'm asking for understanding. If I've been abesnt in my friendship and communication, it's not because of anything other than myself. No one wants to admit they have any sort of "mental illness" - especially me. So it's been easier for me to just back away into the corner and hide than have to put up a false front, never mind share my mind with others. I hope one day soon to be able to see the sunshine in every day - all the time.